When Elizabeth Aura McClintock, Ph.D., who, among many other areas, researches mating selection, gender, and sexuality, conducted a nationally representative survey of about 15,000 young women and men (average age 22), she found that to 82 percent of men (and 84 percent of women), being married someday is "very" or "somewhat" important.
Additionally, young women and men differ little in reported relationship commitment. "Gender differences do exist among young adults in the...data, but they do not indicate an insurmountable rift between women's and men's desired romantic trajectories," the sociologist explained.
However, that doesn't mean that guys have it all figured out. They still experience doubts. So when one Reddit post asked fellas to share their biggest insecurity as boyfriends and husbands, many agreed to show vulnerability and obliged.
#1
That I am not good enough, in any sense of the word, and that my partner is "just settling" because I'm stable.Can't help but feel sometimes they're just waiting for something better to come alone, ya know?
Image credits: ACalcifiedHeart
#2
That I cannot fix every problem they have and that I am not always the problem when they’re upset. I have to let them be upset and understand it’s not always me and it’s okay to just listen to them.
Image credits: DankMemesMateus
#3
Not knowing why the f they would ever love me. So there must be a other reason and it can't be money.
Image credits: BaikenNuffSaid
#4
That when she says "it's okay" it's not okay
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#5
I play with my daughter all the time but at the end of the day, she always prefers mummy.
Image credits: madeinthearcade
#6
Being able to afford my family the life the deserve, because they deserve it
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#7
That im too ugly for someone as bright as her. The times i overheard ppl saying we're an unmatching pair is uncountable
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#8
The fact that I’m about to be a stay at home dad and her parents keep bothering me about what I’m gonna do. She’ll makes significantly more than I ever could and there’s literally no point in me working anymore. I just don’t like being judged.
Image credits: Square_Swordfish_916
#9
I am nothing but a collection of insecurities
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#10
That it isn’t real. Just someone having fun with a guy who’s gullible enough to let himself think he found somebody who actually cares for him
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#11
Not being enough for her. I know I work my butt of at work, emotionally supportive, and giving goals and lead way to what’s next in life. However, there’s always that voice that says you need to be more, it’s not enough, try harder. So, I push the living hell outta myself.
Image credits: PunkedRebel
#12
The lack of money that I make.
Image credits: Crocodile_toes
#13
Well I quit my job to pursue my dream of owning my own business but it's going to take a long time to get there so right now, I'm just a stay at home dad.I thought it'd feel awesome being at home and being with my daughter while my wife works. It is awesome being with my daughter each day but man I feel kinda crappy now being a stay at home dad, like I'm not doing my part as a husband and father.
Image credits: sk8t-4-life22
#14
That one day, out of seemingly nowhere, they’ll no longer care for me. And when it happens, it hurts
Image credits: neekerbeeker3
#15
For me it's feeling like i'm a drag on my partners life. I have several health issues that leave me in extreme pain near constantly, constantly sleep deprived and without any energy or motivation to do anything besides lay in bed and watch tv or listen to music while cuddling with my girlfriend. Meanwhile my girlfriend is a perfectly healthy, energetic and full of life young adult who wants new experiences and doesn't want to spend a minute more than she needs to resting. I try my best to keep up and if i can't do a certain activity she wants to try, i actively encourage her to do whatever it is she is wanting to do (i.e go to an amusement park, go on a road trip, go carting, activities like that) with her friends, but at the end of the day the unavoidable truth is i am a damper on her life and i don't see why someone like that is willing to be in a relationship with someone like me.
Image credits: dman2316
#16
- Not being as good a provider as I know I could be. What am I working *for,* anyway?- Empathy. She tells me her troubles and my only thought is: How can I fix them? She doesn't want me to fix them, she just wants me to listen and care.
Image credits: hkfskhsfuhkefshkf
#17
That i’m still a piece of ✨*Garbage*✨
Image credits: WizardOfZo2
#18
Giving them the feeling of not being there for them enough.I tend to be very quiet and introverted. I've been told several times that I'm too much in my head and that they have the feeling I'm not "actually there". But I try to work on it and be more open about my feelings and stuff
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#19
Dying young and having another man raise my children and f**k my wife. It's all the encouragement I need to live healthy.
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#20
The person she tells you not to worry about. Trust me, we know. We can see the change in subtle behaviour and the feeling of 'losing' her.
Image credits: anon
#21
That she will leave me. I never express this to her because I know it's unattractive. But I feel like I'm dying sometimes just thinking about it.
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#22
That I'll be made fun of if I'm vulnerable. It's happened before, and it's hard to really trust like that again. You wonder "will this be held against me?" wether it's teasing or in a fight. or if she'll tell her friends.
Image credits: space_llama_karma
#23
Why me? Why not somone else? What do i have that you would like?
Image credits: NotSomeLowLife
#24
My biggest insecurity is breaking down the walls and letting someone in. I've only ever managed to fully do that once, and that girl basically just told me her problems will always trump mine, and I should just stop bringing them up to her because she doesn't care. (Pretty much word for word what she said)
Image credits: anon
#25
The amount of attention she receives. In my head, I can't compete with any of the guys who openly go after her. And I genuinely think she would not give me the time of day if she didn't have a child I am great with.#26
That I’m sexually on par skill wise with her previous partners. I wanna be my best for her.
Image credits: The-blackSP4RROW
#27
Why pick me when you have 50 other opportunities at a moment's notice lol
Image credits: IAmA_Zeus_AMA
#28
What if she doesn't actually like me, and she's staying with me as a dare or joke with her friends?#29
I'm an athletic guy but I'm constantly scared of not being able to protect them, if some 250 lb Muay Thai fighter disrespects or hurts her then I have no idea what I'd ever do
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#30
The potential your wife might leave you is especially concerning.
Image credits: 3theoretical
#31
that i will never find a woman as awesome as the one I just buried...I miss my best friend...
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#32
That I'm not worthy of her. She's the total package and I'm just... me. What makes it really crazy is that we have been together for almost 34 years and I still feel this way. In no way, shape, or form has she shown me that this might be true. She's literally the perfect partner.
Image credits: HatesNewUsernames
#33
Her suddenly realizing that I am not what she wants and that she wants to be “free” to experience her younger years. I’ve had enough experience to know this is what I want but I’m the only person she’s every been with…#34
That i will push her away with how weird i am.#35
Losing her. Especially because of distance and for not being able to see each other. I'm in a long distance relationship and I couldn't even describe the importance she has to me. I really don't wanna lose her, because she always gives me the feeling that I found a person that is perfect for me, and that my life would no longer have a meaning if she leaves.#36
That I don't make her truly happy. That maybe she could be happier.#37
My partner randomly deciding they’ve had enough of my quirks and unexpectedly leaving#38
How can someone so beautiful marry such an ugly man? There are so many other guys out there that look so much better than me. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’ll never understand#39
Money, supporting my family, because cost of living is f****d.#40
That I'm short. 5'6". I'm not as chubby as I used to be but her previous bf (we talk and have talked openly about prev relationships since we met) were tall. It's been a 15yr relationship and 11yr marriage and she's always made me feel tall but it's still there. It's possible it's irrational and I need to get over myself.#41
I don't know what to do to help my SO about their emotionally abusive mother. Wherever it comes up I get really anxious and shut down even when I'm trying so hard just to be supportive and actively listen. It sucks knowing that this is one thing they really need from me and I can't be there for them the way they need.#42
What if I'm not enough and she finds a man who can do better for her#43
Well, for me, it’s a really big thing. We’ve had a DB for a long time. I’ve hated every second of it. Then, 12 years ago, I got prostate cancer. After being treated with T compressing drugs that made me feel fkn crazy, I had about 50 radiation treatments.My erection totally disappeared and shrank by 50%. Its totally dead. Even so, I still get very horny, but can’t do anything about it.
I not only feel I’m no longer a man, but a freak that cannot provide sexual release for himself nor anyone else. My spouse is in the “don’t touch me” stage of a DB and I feel less than human and unlovable.
#44
That she will feel trapped by being in a relationship with me, considering my feelings or having to plan stuff will be too tiring. It'll be easier for her to be single and not deal with me when I have emotionally weak moments.#45
My wife had cancer and now is in remission. I never felt more useless than when we were at the hospital and they told us and I just couldn’t do anything to fix it. I had to hope that someone else could help save my wife’s life. I couldn’t just beat the cancer up or yell at it or tell it to leave her alone, I felt f*****g useless.#46
One of my Ex-Girlfriends once told me I am too clingy.Since then I am always afraid I annoy my partner?
#47
I'm worried that I've gotten boring. I don't think I'm any more boring than the average dude, but since we've been together for so long I don't really have a lot of mystery and excitement left.I'm hoping graduating and the pandemic ending will add a lot of new options for date nights.
#48
GuiltI think often about how I have wronged people I have been in relationships and if I am still practising those negative traits. I feel like I constantly have to take responsibility for my wrong doing even though I am not with those people in my life really anymore. I carry it around with me every day and no matter how hard I try to explain it, everybody just says "it's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility anymore." But it doesn't change how I feel and I don't think it ever will.
For context - I was in a relationship with an amazing girl, who I still have love for to an extent. It was not a very healthy relationship as we would go from amazing times and experiences to bad times when I would refuse to deal with conflict or acknowlegde her emotions and it eventually crumble after 8 years with her developing a condition with similar symptoms to Lyme disease speeding up the collapse.
Fast forward to my next relationship a few years after that, I was a lot better at the short comings I had previously. But the problem was my hang up of guilt with my ex and the fact I held on to that translated into an "I still lover her" opinion (which is true to an extent but I have no desire to be with her) which caused even more problems which were new to me and I struggled to deal with as I thought guilty again for trying to have a relationship.
So now with two failed relationships, I feel guilty about both failing and my short-comings for both. I still try and take care of them both when I can at the detriment of my own sanity and well-being some times. I am terrified to date again as a 34M.
#49
That they dont love me and instead only love what I can do for them. If something happens and I can longer do that thing what reason do I have to believe they'll stay with me?#50
The fact I don’t have my drivers license. I have two university degrees, am a teacher, but can’t drive. Feel like a loser but driving terrifies me lol#51
My gf becoming dissatisfied with the relationship and slowly losing the affection she has for me eventually leading her to cheat.#52
That our marriage is only here because we have kids.That I'm never going to make up for my past, that I'm not the man she married, that I'm never going to be a good enough father, or that I'll never be the partner she needs and that it's all existing because we have kids together.
#53
my entire lack of libido#54
Other men making her uncormotable by flirting with her on a girls night out, or even worse, her liking it. Just the fact that I only can know if she tells me, or somebody that I know sees it, makes me insecure.#55
That I'm not good enough and she's settling for me while fantasizing about some toxic "bad boy" that she truly desires, or she meets that toxic bad boy at a bar/club but still settles for me because I "take care of her" emotionally. All the while she thinks about him when we have sex.Basically the entire show of "Sex/Life" is my insecurity.
#56
The fear of not continuing to make the money I do. Over time my life has become dependent of my income, but it’s rare to get paid the way I do. So I genuinely fear not being able to find a job to keep my obligations in check. And before you say that I could downsize my life, I did. I have no debt, but because my ex and I were married for so long she gets about 2/3’rds my paycheck. I’m legally obligated to pay her that.#57
I'm not in a relationship right now, but one of my biggest fears is meeting someone who I genuinely like, committing to a long term relationship with them, and then years (or decades) into our relationship/marriage, one day things just change. Like what if she leaves me, or has an affair, or pulls a jada pinkett smith and asks for an open relationship. All of those are things that would end with me being absolutely crushed, the relationship would definitely be over, and also potentially are huge financial risks, if I had to pay alimony for example.#58
I have a couple of noticeable birth defects (even tho they've been repaired, you can still tell something's not quite perfect) so that's a big one, also the fact that I'm a bit short and skinny. Also being not white but surrounded by white people most of the time, I always worry about negative stereotypes.#59
I'm 5'6'' and got pretty f****d up during my child and teenage years to the point I am still trying to fix the damage. So yeah, pretty insecure about that. My fiancee is such a wonderful woman and she is gorgeous. I worry that one day she'll see that in herself (Naturally, I am trying to build up her confidence and show her how wonderful she is!) and decide she can do better, but I am doing my best to be the man she needs. ^.^#60
That I could be or should be doing better as a husband and father.#61
Not knowing if I’m ever good enough#62
Not being good enough. I’ve felt this way all my life to the point where it’s my normal. This is because of the way my family and friends treated me in the past. So, it was a bit of a shock when my girlfriend treated me the complete opposite way by loving me and telling me that I’m more than enough for her. The feeling of inadequacy comes up from time to time and i still have not fully dealt with it. I am really lucky though to have her as my girl.#63
I don't have a relationship with my family so I don't really have a support system at all. They abused the hell out of me growing up, so. I also have really bad PTSD from a myriad of other traumas and just have to deal with it and be strong for myself and my wife. I don't have a choice and it's really hard to keep it together most of the time.I feel like I live in my own personal hell but I do my best to fill up my free time with art, reading, music, you name it.
The state of humanity right now really bums me out and I'm getting more sad every day. I'm going to keep it up, though. I feel like that line in Fight Club, "everyone is just waiting for their turn to talk."
#64
My neighbor, because he's very tactile with my wife and always asking me to call before I come home.#65
Not doing enough to supporrt her emotionally. I grew up moving around a lot, being on my own, and then having my only family memeber die. It's hardened me and made me closed off.She is the black sheep of her family and is really seeking a lot of affection and cuddling, parts of me that I have to work on.
#66
That I'm not attractive... Always feel that she's "settled"#67
I lack a lot of confidence in my sexual performance. Due to having what I believe less experience than the majority of my peers as well as a poor stamina.#68
My hair.I have that disease Jada Smith has.
When I grow it, it's curly and people have said a few times 'You have clown hair', or 'You look like Krusty the Clown'.
Next time someone makes fun of me, I'm going to get my wife to slap them. I don't care if I can't go to the Oscars for 10 years, my pain needs to be avenged!!
#69
She’s such a better parent than I am. Between my temper and my size, both of my girls have this “don’t p**s off dad” mentality. It’s effective in the heat of the moment, but I watch her interacting with them and I feel completely inadequate as a parent.Edit: As there seems to be a commonality in the comments here, I’ll note that I have been seeking professional help for both the PTSD and the anger management issues at the core of this. I want to be a better parent for my children, and it’s clear that I need professional help to get there.
#70
I married her because she is the only woman I have been with that actually makes all my insecurities go away.#71
I can accept breakups or divorces, but I wouldn't want to be remembered as a bad boyfriend or a terrible husband by the way I treated them in the relationship.#72
I know it is unlikely but dying at the wrong time. Like driving the family somewhere or she is at work (she works odd hours) and it is just me and the kids. I had this walking nightmare for years of me getting like a stroke while driving down the highway and sliding out of control with everyone screaming or me just keeling over at home while my kids sit with my corpse for 6 hours.As for why maybe it is because I like problem solving stuff for them and one day that is going to go away.
#73
I am a large dude.. kind of a bulky muscle if that makes sense? Anyway, I am also over quiet and have a bad case of RBF.. so.. yeah. I tend to passively intimidate/scare people.I'm insecure about who does and doesn't trust me because of this.
#74
I'm not currently in a relationship and genuinely terrified to get in one because of my mental instability, but I also really want to be in one because, well, relationships are good.#75
I'm not a bf/husband yet but I severely lack self confidence, am insecure of my looks and my pp size (5 Inches) and just scared asf to be cheated on or getting dumped and I'm also afraid of not being able to understand my partner and not being able to keep her happy in general.#76
I have the worst trust issues. Probably an adhd thing but my brain is always contemplating the worst scenarios and ill kinda need reassurance or ill overthink. It's the worst feeling but I cant help it. Had multiple arguments about it. She gets annoyed and thinks I'm accusing her all the time. I'm nit I just need that reassurance to put my mind at ease. I don't like it and I wish I could turn it off but I can.. I'm like... you can be as grumpy with me i understand why, And I apologise I'm like this. But I have no choice in the matter. I just overthink everything. But because of these insecurities. I always make the extra effort to keep her from worrying. Takes a couple seconds to just send her a snapchat so she knows what I'm up to, she wants to go on my phone? (She never does) Take it. You know my password. I have nothing to hide so why should I get upset?I do feel a lot of relationships crash because of insecurities, I don't understand why if someone is the type of person that needs reassurance, you can't just... make the effort to reassure them?
#77
No longer being seen as attractive or desirable, when all you want is affection.#78
Not fixing things/re-doing things around the house..I’m not exactly the handy-fix it type of guy#79
Overly High sex drive/ vicious adhd = constantly horny unfocused husband.#80
That no matter how hard I try to be the best possible partner… i could still end up murdered if she happened to be a serial killer. (I’ve seen too many documentaries)#81
I have been dealing with not being “enough” since my first relationship.Being cheated on can, for some people cause deep scars.
In past relationships this has affected my self confidence, created body issues, and jeopardized my health. It taught me to not have a voice and to prioritize my partner above myself.
(Edit: expanding for context)
Im not sure if this is because I am an Asian male, but when I was in the middle of my 20’s K-pop stars and Kdramas were increasing incredibly popular. As much of body image issues that caused women, the same was also true for the guys around me and myself. For some reason asian culture likes to caricaturize non-handsome pretty boys as either frumpy lonely men, antisocial uncharming “nerds”, or shady scruffy blue collar guys who won’t be able to provide for you and your kids well. Especially in media where you see “success” as being with someone beautiful like in a fairytale and a growing real life trend of people who are single or “fail to find a partner before 30”. It doesn’t help that family members will always criticize features about you either. My relatives kept encouraging my younger brother to get a nose surgery and eyelid surgery in Seoul because “being a guy with a fun personality is not enough just like a restaurant might have fun food but if the outside looks _condemned_ no one will go inside.”
Every day I am so thankful for my wife and the mother of my children that I can now live healthier. Those feelings come and go but she taught me ways to properly deal with those waves.
#82
That she’s going to leave me. She can do so much better than me, and it seems like for every step forward I take in becoming more for her and the kids, I stumble and fall back three.I don’t deserve her, and I think she’s starting to see it.
#83
That I'm just a stable long term option because I can financially provide. That unless I work hard, can fix the house up, cook/clean, and make her cum often, that I'll stop getting attention or affection.Basically that my partner's love / passion for me is gone & unless I remain useful, I will be either left or worse neglected
#84
I just got out of an almost 4 year on and off again relationship with a woman I still love. At first, she came after me hard. She made all the moves and I went along with it because it’s hot when a woman knows what she wants. I slowly fell head over heals for her. We would get into small arguments and I would double down on my feelings with her. These arguments eventually turned into her regularly breaking up with me. She would never leave me alone. I came back so many times, only for her to toss me to the curb time and time again. I probably deserved it but it got to the point where she could do anything to me and I would always leave the door open to her. I would’ve died for her, by her hand. The door is still open for her but I know she has never really loved me the way I love her. At this point, I don’t think anyone will ever love me the way I can love someone else. This has left me so scared I am not sure I will recover. I am here now so I guess that’s a good thing.#85
My height is my biggest insecurity, I have been under 5'5 since I graduated high school and it annoys me because women like tall guys#86
That I don't find her attractive anymore. It makes me feel like s**t. I need therapy about it because I've been lying to her about my attraction for some time and I really don't think that's good...#87
That I can't provide.#88
Well, one of my ex's in high school dumped me because I didn't text her for like a week, which was more due to me dealing with this essay that I had to write for English or whatever the f**k. Never got a word in to try and explain s**t nor did I get time to like...explain it to her in person. she just told me that "I didn't make her happy" and then like...the next year she just starts texting me out of the blue over Christmas break and this goes on for like a couple of months, and then she just ghosts me out of the blue. I find out from her friend that she apparently called me a "Stalker" or some s**t and that she had been dating a friend of mine...so...I'm pretty sure she's probably the cause of whatever like...trust issues I have now. Probably the reason why I smoke too, come to think of it.
#89
That I’m not a good enough husband to my own standards.#90
That she sent you to test me#91
I feel like the sex always has to be on point because we’ve been conditioned to believe once that goes it all goes.#92
Heh, sigh. Here goes. I have ADHD and some other stuff going on. I am, seemingly, incapable of maintaining stable employment, as a result I struggle massively with frustration, self loathing, you get the idea. I didn't have kids, and it was probably best for them that I didn't make them exist. I'd be a moody, unreliable let down to them. Doctors, meds, therapy, just didn't make enough of a difference, I just kept slip sliding on down further into my depression and such. I left my wife, she's got a better life now, or the chance for it. What comes next for me? Who knows. Don't do the reach out, wanna talk about it, or supportive replies. This is a cautionary tale of not supporting your kiddos while raising them, and ignoring mental health/developmental issues. I'd rather you focus on that, so that more people like me, don't end up as I did.#93
Mood-Swing of my GF , Unfortunately!#94
My constant mental instability. I have really bad depression and terrible self esteem.#95
That she’ll fall for someone else, I’m in the USA and she’s in Australiasource https://www.boredpanda.com/men-share-relationship-insecurities/
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