Not everyone is meant to be a parent and not everyone wants to be a parent. That’s the simple (some would say uncomfortable) truth. However, not everyone agrees with this. Some folks believe that everyone should be a parent, no matter how much the idea of having kids might scare or push others away. However, being ‘childfree’ is always a choice.
Redditor u/KindlyYam6687 started up a thread on r/AskWomen, asking internet users around the globe about the “defining moment” that made them decide not to have children. Scroll down for their candid answers and stories.
#1
I felt like a burden as a child, like I was unloved and unwanted, and I decided when I was pretty young that I would never have kids because I would never want them to worry about if they were lovable enough
Image credits: chyzsays
#2
Realizing that every time I imagined having a child, I instantly began also daydreaming about how I could get a break from it. Imagining who would watch it while I went out for some adult time, thinking of how I could still go on big adventurous trips away from home, wondering how I could not be tied to the school schedule.My husband and I always talked and dreamed about having one kid, and we began trying for one right around when the pandemic started. Of course, I had zero desire to be pregnant during a pandemic so we paused for a while. Every time we talked about trying again, we always found some excuse to wait a little more. Eventually we realized we didn't have to have a kid at all, and honestly we're so much happier now that we've admitted that to ourselves!
Image credits: ered_lithui
#3
A boyfriend (ex now, of course) mentioned that he wanted a kid one day.I realized in that moment that I had never thought that someone would expect me to have a kid for them, and I'd never wanted a kid for me. I put a bunch more thought into the decision and got my tubes removed at 25.
Image credits: firstflightt
As we’ve covered on Bored Panda before, there’s a huge expectation from society that women get married, have children, and focus all of their efforts on the family. These expectations exist even in the West, in 2023.
Something else to consider is that parenting is far from easy. It’s exhausting. It’s financially draining. And though many parents would be the first to tell you that all of this is worth it, others might feel resentful about how much they have to sacrifice for their munchkins. So when they see someone who is childfree and doesn’t have to make the same sacrifices, they might lash out at them.
#4
When I was a kid and my mom screamed at me that I'd understand why she was so tired, stressed and miserable once I'd have my own kids.After that? Listening moms complain all the time about their life, kids and husbands. No kid deserves that.
Image credits: lootmysanity
#5
As the oldest of five children, our household was chaotic and I believe I helped my mom raise my siblings. I also spent most of my teens babysitting and nannying as a main source of income.One day in college while on a trip with my family, my brother got lost and we thought he was gone. Thankfully he returned, but I cried for days about almost losing him. If I felt that way about a sibling, I knew I would be an overbearing, stressed out, overprotective, anxious mother, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.
By the time I was a young adult, I was exhausted from taking care of others, I was riddled with anxiety and had lived through traumatic experiences, and started to get a glimpse of life as an independent woman. Ironically I am good with kids, being an older sister. I love my friends’ babies, and I’ll be the best fun aunt one day, but children just aren’t conducive with my mental state and I prefer my freedom and lifestyle.
Image credits: Diligent-Present-841
#6
I never really liked or wanted kids but I figured I would have them eventually because that's what you did. Then there was the year that my 5 year old cousin got a whistle in her Christmas cracker and blew it all... f*****g... night. My ovaries shriveled to raisins that night.
Image credits: bibliobitch
The idea that everyone should start a family is deeply rooted in our society, as well as our nature. After all, we’re social animals, and without having kids, humankind as a whole wouldn’t exist. However, this doesn’t mean that everyone should be forced to do what society expects of them.
There are plenty of reasons why not having kids makes sense to them. They might want to have the freedom to travel and fulfill their goals, whatever they might be. Or they might want to focus on their careers and other ambitions. Others feel like they’d be awful parents because they had awful parents themselves, so they want to break the cycle. Still, others see the idea of a family as something that doesn’t necessarily involve kids.
#7
Literally EVERY person I know my age who has kids do nothing but complainThey look tired
They look sick
They look hungry
They say they haven't had fun in months
Meanwhile I'm just chillin', plus I like having money :D Kids are expensive.
Image credits: MidnightFireHuntress
#8
When I found out that there were only 2 ways the baby could come out, and both sounded awful.
Image credits: pollyp0cketpussy
#9
I honestly don’t understand why so many people want them. It’s like renouncing to your freedom, money and life for someone else; I really don’t get why people would want them at all.
Image credits: Monica_Toro26
Meanwhile, there are other considerations to keep in mind as well. For instance, some people have genetic diseases running in their families, so they don’t want to pass these on to the next generation. Others might be dealing with mental issues or be so strapped for cash that they can barely feed or take care of themselves, let alone be responsible for another live human being. We shouldn’t assume that everyone’s life story is the same as ours.
#10
So I'm 30 now and I honestly just never felt the urge? ? When my girlfriends started having babies and saying things like "oh I've wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl!" I never experienced that. And then my husband and I discussed it and felt yeah, we really just don't care ? I love my friends and families children dearly but will remain intentionally child free ✌️
Image credits: Fantastic_Yam_5023
#11
I was like 6. Playing with my barbies, and my dad made some remark about how I'll be a good mother one day. I looked up at him and said "I don't want kids." then went right back to my dollsFast forward~17 yaers, fallopian tubes are removed and I'm involved with a volunteer team to help people worldwide find resources to get elective sterilization
Image credits: ASassyTitan
#12
Raising my SEVERELY autistic and mentally disordered little sister who is 14 yrs younger than me from birth to 3 years. I love her and she deserves the best, and that best was so much better than me. I lost 3 years of my childhood to her, up until I moved out at 17, and I knew I absolutely would never have a kid of my own. To be fair, I swore off having kids when I was 7 or 8, but holy s**t did raising one while her mom went and got high really cement it for me.
Image credits: stlfreak15
#13
Watching a bunch of my friends have kids and turn into zombies who complain about having no life, no sleep, and everything that their kids do in general. No one is making parenting look like any fun.Also, I’ve never liked kids.
Image credits: edjennersmilkmaid
#14
Listening to other women talk about giving birth and having kids is enough for me. More recently I asked myself, “Do you really want to fill out 20 Valentine’s Day cards each year for their classmates?” I think not.#15
One of the less complicated reasons is simply that it took me so long to feel comfortable in my body (and I still don’t most of time) I just don’t want to face that experience in my body after finally feeling better about it.
Image credits: Pristine-Leek-9576
#16
There wasn't one. That's kind of like asking "what was the defining moment you chose not to shove a cactus up your a**e?"I never wanted to in the first place. Not wanting to do that has always been my default position.
Image credits: iusedtobefamous1892
#17
There is also no need to put more children into this world which is already going to hell, realistically what life will they have in the future? We’re over 8 billion people and not able to distribute resources. Seems a bit selfish to put more children into this mess.I also like sleep, freedom and money.
Image credits: Pink_Moone-stone
#18
Honestly? Hearing stories about folks’ bodies being effectively ruined by childbirth. Episiotomies that go wrong, that kind of thing.And then also just thinking about climate change and how I don’t feel like it’s right for me to bring a new life into all this.
Image credits: celestialism
#19
Seeing the exponential population growth curve in an environmental class in college. This was in the early 90’s. I’m 51 now and every day I’m grateful for my decision.
Image credits: redditoranna
#20
I was on my second date with my partner and he said, "Before we go any further, I don't want kids. Never have and never will." And I was like, holy s**t... That's an option?? It was so incredibly freeing.We've been together 6 years happily childfree.
Image credits: sanbikinoneko
#21
Getting a puppyI was always pretty indifferent on having kids, but getting my dog made me a hard no on the issue.I love that little girl, and I take good care of her but she’s exhausting, expensive, and annoying sometimes. From what I’ve heard dogs are a fraction of the attention and money kids are. Between that and the horrors of pregnancy, I’m getting my tubes tied and never looking back.
#22
When I heard a child wailing in public and my first thought was "Oh s**t what's wrong now? No wait, that's not my problem any longer" and then a huge wave of relief came over me.For some context - I was forced to help raise 5 out of 6 siblings from when I was around 10 to 15, when I moved to my own place. I did most things parent does such as nightly feedings, diaper changes, soothe them during the night, put them to bed, brush their teeth, take them out to play/for a walk etc. This experience taught me that I never wanted children of my own as I knew how much I hated it to begin with.
#23
Realizing that having children was more of a societal pressure in order to have "a fulfilling life" but in fact the things in my life that bring me fulfillment don't include children
Image credits: autmshowers
#24
Not a defining moment, just a gradual realization that I hate the idea of pregnancy and hate hate hate the idea of childbirth. If it was totally comfortable and painless, I'd give it another thought. But the way things are, no way I'm putting myself and my body through that hell.#25
Probably some random day after a solid three week migraine where I thought, “This would SUCK if I had a screaming kid right now.”…also, I was afraid of passing down certain hereditary things (migraine, depression, bipolar), as well as adoption was waaaaay too $$. So that sealed the deal. Been married and childless 11 years. So glad I got that hysterectomy.#26
I remember being at a water park when I was around 8 years old, and I was so annoyed with the smaller kids. I knew then that I didn’t want any#27
Honestly i dont want to get fat and have that post pregnancy body.. it sounds awful.. stretch marks, FUPA, weird nipples. My mom says her titties still leak milk occasionally like… ew? Also heard wack things about what happens to your period after like massive amounts of blood… gross not for me. Id rather be in great shape, independent and be able to live the life i truly want
Image credits: salmonellatyphirium
#28
Watching my mom get a 3rd degree tear in real time giving birth to my youngest sister. I was 11. Also Im the oldest of 5. I’ve already spent over a decade being a parent and I don’t want to do it anymore.
Image credits: lucid_sunday
#29
When row vs. Wade got overturned and it was my final straw. I decided that I would rather die than have to be forced if I ever did get pregnant.
Image credits: BeneficialMolasses70
#30
I never wanted children but I lied to myself that I was undecided. I only acknowledged it after cutting off my mother.#31
Getting my first puppy is what made me realize I didn't want to be a mother#32
I’ve never wanted to have kids but then I got pregnant and miscarried so I told myself I’d never give myself the chance to go through it again
Image credits: Diligent-Fan-6801
#33
I get a defining moment almost every time I see parents with young children outside.I’m outside a lot. I’m not a big drinker either. So it happens things that I do are often shared by parents with young kids.
And it never fails: every single time I see a parent trying to enjoy an outing with a child to care for, they appear to be in abject misery. I’ve seen way too many mothers and a good deal of fathers dying inside with every step of a walk they were trying desperately to enjoy, as their kicking, wriggling, howling child subjects each of their senses to torture. The worst is when it’s both parents out, but the one doing the caretaking is still all alone ( usually the mom, sorry, it’s the truth), while the other escapes into their phone a good 5-10 paces ahead.
It seems that *every little thing* becomes difficult when you have kids. Every time I see it, it cements my choice.
#34
I’ve always wanted kids. I think I would have been really good at raising kids. But it matters who you have kids with. I’ve never found someone who would want to with me or vice versa.I would rather not have kids if I don’t have the right partnership.
#35
there was no defining moment since I’ve never wanted them *however* a constant reminder has been how everyone I know with kids seem lowkey miserable and miss their life before kids. also every day I learn about another terrible side effect that can happen from pregnancy and no thanks#36
I raised several of my cousins from the time I was 5, and the last one just left the nest a few years ago. I already raised a bunch of kids and I'm done.#37
I'm an unplanned child and (unwanted too acc. to my mom) and even if I'm just in my late teens, I think I'm sure I don't want to bring a child to this world. Starting from COVID till now so many of my relatives and acquaintances are having babies so the topic of pregnancy always stays in the back of my mind. I just feel so uncomfortable even thinking about that. When I told this to a few of my cousins who gave are mothers now, they told me it's my duty as a woman and I shouldn't worry when I get married everything will be fine. (* insert ? *) My mom told me the same.After that this is the first time I'm telling this to someone. And idk what to feel about that.
#38
I have never been so sure of a choice in my life as when COVID-19 started. Every single person with kids was losing their minds#39
I’m not sure there was a defining moment. I think I just kind of had a sense from fairly early on that I wasn’t interested. And it’s strengthened as I’ve gotten older so I’m feeling at peace about it.Not having kids is so much easier than having kids. Like I don’t have to find a partner in time, or live near good schools, or budget money for childcare. I just do whatever. Other than choosing partners and birth control, I don’t have to make any decisions around NOT having kids.
Image credits: catatonic-megafauna
#40
My decision is as simple as: I can’t imagine not having a good nights sleep for years.I actually really like kids, love all the children in my life, but I love my lifestyle better. The freedom to be selfish.
My mother always told me to not have children until I was ready to put someone else first. And frankly, I don’t think I’ll ever be there. Every other woman in my family has prioritized children and putting their children ahead of themselves. I’m proud to be the first woman who has the option to put herself first.
Image credits: kdspiralz
#41
I was a teenager, and it just kinda dawned on me that there are people who don't have kids, by choice. And I was like..that sounds good to me. In my 20s, I was in a long term relationship that ended because he wanted kids. It was the most painful experience of my life but if I was ever going to doubt being childfree, that would have been the time. But I didn't question it for even a second.#42
realizing that most of my family and personal health history is genetic. i have a lot line of mental health problems (substance use, anxiety, depression, ocd, ect), heart problems, diabetes, and other health issues. i would not want my child to go through the issues that i or my family has due to genetics.additionally, around the same time i learned that i have thalassemia. thalassemia is a rare genetic blood disorder that can cause severe physical symptoms or in the event of the right combination of subtypes, certain stillbirth. while 1.5% of the population are carriers, only 0.3% of the population have symptoms. i have the type alpha intermedia, or hemoglobin H disease, meaning if i had a child with someone with the thalassemia gene, it would certainly be stillborn.
in conclusion, my genes suck, their genes would suck. that's just unfair to them.
Image credits: itsa_jes
#43
For me it was a combo of things—my career choice and continuing schooling into my 30s to get a doctorate (I wanted to be completely free with no obligations); the scary direction the world is headed; the fact that the middle class is disappearing and people are breaking their backs just to make rent; and unfortunately how I had cancer last year and I don’t wanna pass that on to someone. If I had a biological kid and they got cancer, I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself. Anyway, that said, I’m considering adopting in my 40’s.
Image credits: anon
#44
When the financial stress and emotional pain that comes with being a caring person that wasn’t born into wealth, got to a point of me wishing I wasn’t alive anymore, unable to work and simply suffering. I realised that if I willingly brought a child into this world, they would potentially experience at least one of the same debilitating effects. How can I deliberately expose a child to possibly face that. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt.#45
I knew before this, but it became a thought that I voiced aloud the day that they had a bunch of 5-year-olds on our college campus. They were running around, screaming. It was awful#46
not really a specific moment, but every time i heard someone mention how difficult it is to raise a kid, the less reason i saw to put myself through that#47
I didn’t really decide to not have them. I just never decided to have them and then I got too old for it to be a thing anymore.#48
It was a few small moments that cumulated into the decision. A few noteworthy ones were:- my long term bf broke up with me, thus derailing the original plan of having 1-2 kids by the time I was 36
- I have been the head of household my entire adult life (I’m 30 now), and have had to support my mom and brother while working and going to school. This has exhausted my “maternal” instincts, and I will be happy to not have to care for anyone else.
- my current bf does not want children and I was clear about leaning towards not having any when we met
- I know I’m going to have to care for both of my parents and my father in law in their old age, that’s already a huge undertaking
- kids are hella expensive
#49
watching my mother give birth to my brother at age 8.#50
I've always not wanted kids, but the day that hammered it in for me was when a child was misbehaving in public and it took every ounce of my strength not to beat the c**p out of it.The realization that I actually wanted to PHYSICALLY ASSAULT a child made me realize that I'd be an unfit mother who would traumatize my child.
#51
I didn’t had a defining moment but when I was 8, 9 and 13 i had gotten new siblings. As the oldest daughter I was getting punished for not helping taking care of them enough. I looked at my mom she was always mad, stressed and never happy with her children. Realised how horrible it was to have children started saying I don’t want children when I was around 12#52
I read the quote:*"It's better to regret NOT having a kid than to regret having a kid."*
And that decided it for me, I had waffled for years before then.
(Then I fell madly in love with a guy who already had a kid. I've spent the last 11 years trying my best to be a good Other for her)
Image credits: dourwolf
#53
I don't remember what sparked it but I remember having the mind blown moment where I put 3 and 2 together and got 5 - just because I was going to grow up and become an adult did not mean that I *had* to have offspring. And I was very happy and relieved to know this.#54
I’m in my early twenties, but I’m pretty firm on not having children. I have never envisioned myself as a mother and can’t relate when my friends talk about wanting children. I’m happy for them, but I just don’t see myself going down that path.#55
So many f*****g things. Most of all, I feel complete without them. I like being able to do what I want, when I want. I thought that was the final nail. I was previously married and at one point we had talked to my obgyn about having kids. We found out I was high risk pregnancy. I’ve been divorced now for some time but with the outcome of roe v. wade being overturned, that was the true final nail.#56
there wasn’t a single moment. I had not had any feeling of wanting to be a parent. In my 20s and early thirties, I would check in with myself and the answer was always “this isn’t for me.”#57
There was no moment, even when I was still a kid I hated kids.#58
There was never a defining moment. I always knew from my own childhood that I didn't want kids of my own, and I just never started feeling any different about it.#59
Always knew that I didn't want kids. Never desired it nor thought of kids in my future when picturing my adult life. I only realized around late middle school/early high school that many people genuinely desired and couldn't wait to have kids. I thought people just said they wanted them because society expects it (even more so 10-15 years ago). Once I had this realization, I felt really confident about being childfree (maybe 14-15?).#60
Living with my friend right now and watching how exhausted she is with her kids and how unpredictable children can be. I realized that I don't have the patience for it, not to mention the finances or mental stability.#61
Wanted kids with my ex. But then I realized I didn’t have faith in him being a good father. Divorced. Part of the process of leaving him was coming to terms that I would likely need to give up on the idea of having kids (I’m in my mid to late thirties and I knew it would take me a while to find a new suitable partner.)My current partner I 100% believe he’d be an amazing father. But there a bunch of little to not so little things that make me hesitant. And with my partner, we have a “hell yeah” philosophy. Move in together? Was a “hell yeah”. Want to have kids? Eh, it was kinda of a, it would be nice and all, it it wasn’t a hell yeah.
#62
would be the fact that you’ll almost never get days off after having kids. and that it’s harder to follow hobbies and pursue dreams of your own#63
Never had a defining moment. Literally never wanted one. Never played with baby dolls like it was my literal baby. Never wanted to be pregnant.Grew up to have PCOS and fibroids which destroyed me. Physically and emotionally. My first period was at 9 and hellacious. Cried and cried each month begging the do one to take it out. Nearly 25 years of that b******t and FINALLY was granted a hysterectomy and reclaimed my life again and have never felt better. Best thing ever.
Plus this world is so f****d up I would have a lot of guilt bringing a kid into it and leaving such a s**t show to them.
For the record—I like kids. I’m good with kids. I’m an “auntie” to many friends’ kids and are often more involved with them than their actual aunties. I volunteer with at risk youth every week and work with kids who have disabilities,often. It’s not about kids themselves—-it’s about being a baby incubator, giving birth, and being a parent that I want nothing to do with.
#64
I haven't 100% committed to the no kids but I'm about 80- 20 on not having kids and I think the "defining" moment is learning about the s**t we go through during and after pregnancy. Like nah uhh no thanks.#65
There was none. There was just always an absence of a desire to have them. I never imagined myself as a mother.#66
Pregnancy always horrified me, and never felt the desire for a family/kids. I don't recall a time I ever wanted children. I at least never want to be pregnant...#67
I thought it was weird that in senior year books people knew in 10 years they wanted to be married with kids with a career as a lawyer. I'd never even thought about it until then. I thought about it more when I met a guy who was childfree - never dated him - and it made me think.I'm more neutral - not for it, not against being a parent in other ways, but mental health reasons put me solidly in the no category.
#68
the defining moment that solidified me never ever having kids was hearing about all the health issues and the horrible changes your body goes through . i don’t want any of that , i don’t want my body to be even more out of my control .i also have genetic mental illnesses and physical ones and i believe it would be selfish and cruel for me to pass this pain that’s killing me onto my child . so that added to the never having children decision .
i’m going to love any nieces or nephews my siblings give me and i’ll gladly babysit them and be the best aunt i can but that’s all i want to be , an aunt
#69
I have a child. I used to want a whole family. My experience was so traumatic I never want to even get pregnant again. And frankly I advocate most women don’t get pregnant/ have children under 25. Obviously not in a shaming way, but more like you really don’t know what you’re getting yourself into even if you’re happily married, the whole thing can switch up. Don’t let anyone tell you you should or pressure you or shame you. Plus, more children need adoptions into safe homes if you ever want to be a family. Hopefully in the future I can adopt when I’m financially stable.
Image credits: Fluffy-Peach5541
#70
I was about 15 and realized I didn’t like kids. Since then, it’s been reason after reason why I shouldn’t have any. Ironically I’m pretty good with kids#71
No real defining moment.I just keep thinking that if I have a child, there will be a child around. So nah.
#72
I had a traumatic childhood in which I had to “grow up” very early on. It will take me the rest of my life to heal my inner child. Even though I’ve been told countless times how great of a mom I would be, I feel like it would be irresponsible of me to pass along all my trauma to an innocent soul. Also with how horrible the world is and continues to get I feel like it’s selfish to have a kid these days. I am 28 and getting my tubes tied this year.#73
There was no defining moment. I never wanted them.#74
Money money money#75
I was born this way. Never wanted them, never will.#76
My abortion at 21.I got into a few more relationships, 7 years after I reconsidered (theoretically)
After another 6 years
I’m
Still:
Mentally Ill and almost 35 and content with my child free life. that was the last and final time I considered. I’ve been asking for a hysterectomy for 5 years now.
#77
When i learned what an episiotomy is ?source https://www.boredpanda.com/moments-women-decided-not-to-have-children/
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